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Tuesday, January 1, 2013

New Years Resolution and Why I Hate Slut Shaming

This is a woman I respect and admire greatly. She's my friend. And yes, she just happens to be an ex-porn star. But that's not all she is. She's much, much more. She's a real human being with real feelings, dreams and aspirations, and she's true to herself. So you will respect that fact, and you will respect her, or I will shut you down.

My New Year's resolution is simply to become a bigger smart-ass.

I know what you're all thinking. Why on earth would he choose that as his resolution?

Those who know me know that I am extremely nice. However, my online persona makes me out to be more "argumentative" and "challenging" than I actually am in real life.

Why?

Probably because I try to argue for clear reasoning, better knowledge, as well as better critical thinking skills.

I view stupidity as an injustice. As you can imagine the Interwebs are filled with hordes of unthinking mindless, zombie-like, people who simply refuse to turn on their thinking caps. So I often try to right all the injustices. Hey bro, I've got tiger blood.

Sadly, this argumentative streak often gets me into trouble. It also makes me come off as some kind of bad guy.

I often get the whole "You think you're better than everybody else?" speech from people I've corrected.


But that's not the case. I don't think I'm better than everyone, just stupid people.


The question becomes, why would I care so much if people thought critically or not? Why should the way in which others go about thinking bother me in the slightest? 


Because uncritical thinking means you are accepting bad or poor information as correct. It means you aren't checking your facts. It means, that if you share this bad information, you are misinforming others. Which means you and others are formulating the wrong opinions and jumping to conclusions that are, most likely, false.

And the dissemination of false or misleading information is damaging.

It can be hurtful.

And the next thing you know, you're getting emails asking why you cheated on your spouse with a porn-star.

I kid you not. I received one such email last year.

It's things like this that are the reason why I want people to THINK before they speak, or just plain ole think, for that matter.

The Background Details Matter
I have a good woman friend who just happens to be an ex-porn-star. She's retired now, but she still does nude modeling and she is extremely active on Facebook, often challenging the status quo by posting risque pics of herself.

But because I enjoy her personality, her friendship, and support her choice as an self actualized woman--with the right to express herself as a sexual person however she chooses--I will defend her choice to do so.

This is not just some case of a casual Facebook fan-boy, mind you. She's a person I've talked with. I know that she's not just some promiscuous woman. She's a real person with real dreams and aspirations. Right now she's getting a law degree. She works as a paralegal at a prestigious law firm  she's passionate, energetic, and she's smart as a whip.

When you see her provocative images, you don't know any of this, which only goes to show if you're first gut reaction is to be disgusted by her over-exposed beauty, and jump to conclusions that she's some ditzy self-defacing slut who sold herself out because she couldn't hold down a real job, well, you couldn't be more wrong.


Your assumptions aren't just wrong, they are damaging. It's one of the reasons I despise "slut shamers" so much. Whenever a person calls a sexual woman a slut, the accuser is the ONE who is forcing the stereotype onto the accused.

If you've ever called someone a slut, for whatever reason, then you're saying that's what they are in your eyes. YOU ARE THE ONE turning them into the sexual object--and not allowing them to be anything more than that--you are the one forcing them to the hurtful stereotype.

Calling a woman, any woman, a slut is the same as calling a homosexual a faggot or a black person a nigger. It's disrespectful, it's hurtful, and it needs to be knocked the fuck off.

Context Matters
So one day my friend leaves a rather risque photo of herself on her public page, and I leave a comment on it saying something like, "Wow! Gorgeous as always," or some such offhand remark.

I probably didn't need to state anything at all. In fact, one FB acquaintance said I was being a little insensitive for commenting on a scantily clad woman's page, because then that implied I'm thinking about this woman instead of my wife.

I consider that thinking old fashioned. I also consider it part of the problem.

It implies my friend is only there to be exploited. 
It implies that porn-stars, or rather, ex-porn-stars aren't real people, because who would ever be friends with them?

What's more, it implies my wife is stupid or ignorant, when I know she's not. Not at all. So I don't appreciate the implications, and, so, fuck you (you know who you are). 


Luckily I hang around a good bunch of intellectual and opinionated people and a friend of mine jumped in and said, hey, porn-stars are people too. Don't be a hater.

Word, bro. Word.


The Controversy
But my wife, feeling uncomfortable with the risque pictures popping up in her news-feed, openly complained to me about it on her page, stating she'd rather not see them.

This had nothing to do with my viewing such material, mind you. This had to do with OTHER people seeing such material unexpectedly pop-up on their FB news-feeds and getting upset because their child saw it--or whatever the scenario might be.

So I helped my wife, at her request, change her FB settings to stop my FB likes/views from popping up in her news-feed. You can do this without de-friending your friends by the way, so if you don't like seeing something someone keeps posting on FB, but still want to remain friends with them, just do what my wife did, ask someone who knows how to USE Facebook to help you.

My wife
 was simply worried about her friends becoming offended by age inappropriate material. I totally get that. So we fixed the problem.

Then I get a letter asking why I'm having an affair with a porn-star. Wait a minute, when did this happen? Because this was news to me.


The Misinformant
A woman--who I have grown to despise as a petty, self-centered, drama queen and gossip monger, and overall duplicitous personality but who married into the family--came onto my wife's page and told my wife, in front of all our family and friends, that she DESERVERS BETTER than to be married to a guy like me.

She literally said that. Before I could say FUCK YOU, however, my wife complimented my open-mindedness then took down the post, as not to cause any further confusion.

Apparently, in this woman's narrow minded worldview, being friends with a porn-star equates to being a "cheater." It's okay to like them (cuz I sure know her husband does). Just don't associate with them. 

 
But since I had the audacity to make friends with a real life porn-star, then that is grounds for her to give my wife marriage advice, advising her to divorce me for no other reason than I'm friends with a porn-star.

And to make matters worse, she spewed this idiotic opinion on my wife's FB page so all my family and friends could see, without ever allowing them the proper context to get the full story
. You see, this petty woman has me blocked, so when she posted on my wife's page I didn't know about it until my wife informed me.

Fine.

Whatever.

I was content to let it slide. I'm not going to argue with someone who is clearly a petty, narrow-minded, jingotistical sexist, woman-hater. It would only be a waste of my time.
 

So Imagine my consternation when, out of the blue, I receive a concerned letter from a family member asking how on earth could I have cheated on my wife with a porn-star.

That's when I realized someone had seen that accusation before my wife had taken it down and, not having enough information, jumped to conclusions.

Setting the Record Straight
Sticking with my New Year's resolution of being a smart-ass, I just wanted to reply to this person who feels she has the right to open her cunt-face and give my wife marriage advice by informing her that her husband isn't marriage material and that I don't deserve my wife.

I'm made of rubber and you're made of glue, anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you!


Luckily, my wife and I love each other very much.

What's more, we understand each other. We have good communication. Heck, we even understand the other person is allowed secrets and privacy--even in marriage. It's the people who think you have to share-all who end up being the most insecure.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you should start lying to your significant other. I'm saying that not all information needs to be divulged. You know that time you had diarrhea and spoodged your pants a little, well, nobody needs to know that. Really.

The moral to take away is that honesty is good, but too much honesty is bad.

Besides, if I ever did cheat on my wife with a porn-star, you sure as hell would never find out about it on Facebook. It just wouldn't be public information. Why? Because that's none-of-anybody's goddamn business.

Lastly, before I get the religious conservatives telling me that simply looking at another woman is 'coveting her in my heart' and that watching pornography is a sin, I have this to say:

Sin isn't real, and coveting implies that I want sex with porn-stars, and the only way you could know what I wanted is if you were me, and since I know for a fact that you're not me, do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up.

Happy New Year everyone!



Advocatus Athesit

Advocatus Athesit