The Gospel of Johnny Godfinger

The Gospel of Johnny Godfinger

Johnny Godfinger was sort of a prick. He did whatever he wanted and didn’t care a fig about anybody else. One day, Johnny happened upon a sweet innocent young girl named Mary. Now, Mary perhaps looked more innocent than she really was, as Mary was a well-known harlot among the local boys. But deciding she ought to settle down and start a family, she went to the neighboring town and, using a pretense of sweetness, she seduced the local carpenter’s boy Joe. Now Joe was a hard working lad, but he’d never seen a woman like Mary the Innocent before. Her eyes were oh so big, and she was beautiful too, and what’s more, she was keen on him. And that had never happened before either. So Mary and Joe became betrothed, and in giddy delight, they decided to elope.

On the way to “Israel’s Last Hope,” the chapel in Vegas they had chosen to get hitched at, Joe had to stop for gas. While paying inside, Mary went round back to use the restroom. Low and behold, she was startled when she saw Johnny Godfinger standing there smoking a fag and looking all mysterious like. Now Mary loved Joe, but who could say no to Johnny Godfinger? He was so dreamy. Making his intention known, Mary didn’t protest, for how could she? It was Johnny Godfinger! A brief few minutes later, Johnny came and Mary got knocked up.

Arriving in Vegas, Joe had grown worried about Mary. She seemed to be quiet on the rest of the journey. But chocking it up to a bit of car sickness, he married her anyway. That night he discovered that Mary wasn’t everything she seemed. In fact, he learned of the incident with Johnny Godfinger and the consequent pregnancy of a reckless bout of unsafe sex.

Irrate, Joe swore up and down that he’d divorce her as soon as he could, but you see, Johnny Godfinger didn’t want to take any part in rasing that big mistake, so he sent a couple of his henchmen to rough up poor ole Joe. After giving him the once over, the thugs told Joe to raise the little bastard as if it were his own, and that if he didn’t, there’d be hell to pay.

So Joe, fearing for his life, reluctantly took Mary back and they had the little bastard. They name him Johnny Godfinger Jr., after his real biological father, just to let others know who the back talking little brat’s real father truly was. As Johnny Godfinger Jr. grew up, he joined a radical religious cult, led by some crazy mountain man up in the hills. One day, down by the river, Josh got high on some pot he had received from the wild river man and had a vision. It wasn’t the mountain man who would be leader of the people, it would be Johnny! So gathering together a gang of hardened, out of work, roughnecks named Pete the Rock, Johnny Thunder, Phil the Horse, Tom and Bo the Rage Twins, Andy the Man, and Jed the Radical, they banded together and terrorized the town.

Johnny Godfinger Jr. and his boys liked to drink all the wine they could, get drunk, and roam around causing a ruckus wherever they went. One day they showed up at the bank demanding money, but upon being told to get out, Johnny Godfinger Jr. flipped his lit and started to tear the place down. Eventually the police chased them out, but they were obviously up to no good.

Johnny’s rage wasn’t entirely his fault though, since everyone knew his douchebag father was nowhere to be found. Johnny’s acting out was just a way to make a bigger name for himself than his dad. And it seemed to be working too. Eventually Johnny grew up, and his clan was twelve members strong, not including Mary M., who he’d met at a brothel. She hung on his arm and his every word. His gang’s motto was “If you’re not with us, you’re against us.”

Meanwhile, Johnny Godfinger Jr.’s mother, the original Mary, saw him going down a destructive path and begged him to come home. But Johnny told her off and said he never wanted anything to do with his godforsaken family again. Mary watched with sad eyes as she watched her son thrash a nearby tree in a drunken rage, for no reason whatsoever, only to never to see him again. Mary’s longtime and loyal husband Joe, on the other hand, was glad to be rid of the self-absorbed brat. After all, Jr. was a financial drain and never contributed anything back. As far as Joe was concerned, Johnny Godfinger Jr. was just as big of a dick as his old man. At least the old man had the sense to get lost after causing his mess, but Johnny Godfinger Jr. just didn’t have any sense.

Then one fateful day, Johnny and his band of scrupulous rapscallions had made the grave mistake of pissing off the local Sheriff, one Mr. Pilate Stone. Sheriff Stone was not amused by the antics of the reckless young men. In fact, he had been receiving complaints from the locals quite a bit, especially the elders in the community, and so Sheriff Stone found out Johnny Godfinger Jr.’s whereabouts, tracked him down, and arrested him. Coincidentally, Johnny Godfinger Jr. and his boys were having an orgy down by the old part of town, under the abandoned bridge. At least, that’s what it looked like to Sheriff Stone when he found them, a bunch of naked men, shit-faced, and laying in their own vomit. Mary M. was the only chick, and she was passed out over Johnny Godfinger Jr.’s, well, “little Godfinger,” as he cried out, “Father, why did you abandon me?!”

It was all quite pathetic, really. But Sheriff Stone was glad to finally clean up his town by rounding up the biggest thorns in his side since that damned drunk wild man down by the river—always screaming about the end of the world, or some such nonsense.

While Johnny’s boys all got out on bail, poor Johnny’s bail was set too high for anyone to secure his release. Pending trial, Johnny requested a face to face chat with the Sheriff. When the Sheriff asked him, “Who do you think you are?” Johnny simply quipped, in his sarcastic fashion, “Who do you think I am?”

Having had enough of this obstinate youth, the Sheriff sentenced Johnny Godfinger Jr. to death—for being the world’s biggest asshole.

The End


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